I know I have said "I am far more safe being completely vulnerable in your arms than completely impenetrable standing alone" but I am currently in the state of realizing that I still make myself completely impenetrable. I have this little charade I put on in my head for you and I don't even realize I am doing it. .. that I am readjusting my words to try and convince you that I am a better person than I really am. I pretty much suck. And I am pretty much so scared that if I am truly myself around you that i will see disappointment in your eyes. I want to be an open book... completely humble and honest with myself and with You. Why am I so scared in the face of unconditional love? Help me... I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know how to rip down these walls of dillusion that I am forever adding on to. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to override the fight or flight response. I don't know how to say I am not ok when I feel like am ok. and i don't know how to say I am ok when I feel like I am not.... if that makes any freaking sense... seriously :)
"i'm falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating, with every pain there's a healing, in Your Name I find meaning... i'm holding on, still holding on, i'm holding on, barely holding on to you..."
but i am not really... i am so grateful that you never let go because I constantly am... so sorry
take me away...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
breathe... just breathe
"Cause you can't jump the track... we're like cars on a cable... and life's like an hourglass glued to the table... no one can find the rewind button so cradle your head in your hands...
and breathe... just breathe... oh breathe, just breathe!"
This is the end of the year father... the end of four years and here i am facing the future. oh the beautiful and terrifying future... What have you in store for me now... and can i let myself trust im you? can i cling to you with everything i am? father i know you are here when i call. i know that smoke billows from your nostrils and that you wrap the darkness around you like a cloak. i know that you expose the floor of the seas and walk upon the waters. i know that you build up the mountains on top of each other and are capable of tearing them off of their bases, thrusting them into the sea. i know you are awesome and mighty. i know you heal... leprosy and blindness and deafness, deformities and hardened, calloused hearts.
so i have immersed myself in this television show. this show exposes people in the most messed up situations this life has created. i love this show because it is funny and crazy and dramatic. but i think ... and please correct me if i am overstepping here... i love this show because these people's lives are not perfect by any means... they are crazy messed up... seriously... yet they pick up and move on... they crack jokes and lean on one another. they do their best to patch up the lives that they have completely botched up... Glory be to God that i don't have to patch up the life i have completely botched up... glory to God that his grace... oh his beautiful grace is patching me up. his glorious grace is making me all whole... all bright and shiny...
"Come what may... I won't fade away... but I know I might change... nothing comes easily... fill this empty space... nothing is like it was... turn my grief to grace... nothing comes easily... Where do I begin? [Alone you] can bring me peace... I've lost everything... I just want to feel your embrace"
and breathe... just breathe... oh breathe, just breathe!"
This is the end of the year father... the end of four years and here i am facing the future. oh the beautiful and terrifying future... What have you in store for me now... and can i let myself trust im you? can i cling to you with everything i am? father i know you are here when i call. i know that smoke billows from your nostrils and that you wrap the darkness around you like a cloak. i know that you expose the floor of the seas and walk upon the waters. i know that you build up the mountains on top of each other and are capable of tearing them off of their bases, thrusting them into the sea. i know you are awesome and mighty. i know you heal... leprosy and blindness and deafness, deformities and hardened, calloused hearts.
so i have immersed myself in this television show. this show exposes people in the most messed up situations this life has created. i love this show because it is funny and crazy and dramatic. but i think ... and please correct me if i am overstepping here... i love this show because these people's lives are not perfect by any means... they are crazy messed up... seriously... yet they pick up and move on... they crack jokes and lean on one another. they do their best to patch up the lives that they have completely botched up... Glory be to God that i don't have to patch up the life i have completely botched up... glory to God that his grace... oh his beautiful grace is patching me up. his glorious grace is making me all whole... all bright and shiny...
"Come what may... I won't fade away... but I know I might change... nothing comes easily... fill this empty space... nothing is like it was... turn my grief to grace... nothing comes easily... Where do I begin? [Alone you] can bring me peace... I've lost everything... I just want to feel your embrace"
Saturday, February 16, 2008
oh the possibilities
I have never experienced the impatience to "just go" that I have always heard talked about, but all of a sudden I am beginning to understand. Father, hearing Ron speak about all of the problems in Czech, and all of the opportunities for service. It makes me want to jump in his suitcase when he returns home next week. But it is not as if I think Czech is where you are next directing me, for last week when I was talking to Misty I almost scrapped by entire student teaching application to go student teach with her in Taiwan. Before that China was weighing heavy on my mind after talks with David about the trip we went on together. Before that I had my heart set on going to Kenya with Linds, before that Morocco, Indonesia, India, Korea. This desire for adventure and service is welling up strongly within me. To be honest, I think it is more the thrill of the experience and the people with whom I could be that appeals to me. But still Father I desire to do your will. I desire to see captives set free. I desire to pour my all into serving you. I desire a release from the mediocre and mundane. I desire to know You and to be You. I desire the desire to give everything for You and the furtherance of Your kingdom. I desite to be madly in love You, so much so that people around me notice.
Rabbit trail: I have just realized that the key to being madly in love, or at least a big part of it, is being fully aware that the object of your love is madly in love with you. And, even better, was in this state of affection before you were. Of course this is an obvious statement. You recorded it first saying that we love because you first (madly) loved us. hmmm... So I guess I should ask not that my love for you would grow exponentially, but first taht I would be fully aware and confident that you passionately deeply LOVE ME. Please help me to see this. Show me your wonders Jesus, the loving works of Your hands.
Rabbit trail 2: Saying the name father rarely evokes any emotion within me-- this is weird. Most of the time (when I realize this apathy) I try to conjure this up within myself. But just now, and for the past few days, when I substituted the word Father for Jesus, feelings of love welled up within me. what is that all about.
Rabbit trail 3: I hate feeling like I am reading into things that are not there, that are based upon my flights of fancy or will-o-the-wisps of emotion. It makes me really cynical. Help me to know when you are moving and when I am making things up. Help me to fully believe that you do move and reveal yourself in the little things.
I am so glad we had this chat. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope I don't get so caught up in my words that I don't hear Yours. Please break through.
with love <3
Rabbit trail: I have just realized that the key to being madly in love, or at least a big part of it, is being fully aware that the object of your love is madly in love with you. And, even better, was in this state of affection before you were. Of course this is an obvious statement. You recorded it first saying that we love because you first (madly) loved us. hmmm... So I guess I should ask not that my love for you would grow exponentially, but first taht I would be fully aware and confident that you passionately deeply LOVE ME. Please help me to see this. Show me your wonders Jesus, the loving works of Your hands.
Rabbit trail 2: Saying the name father rarely evokes any emotion within me-- this is weird. Most of the time (when I realize this apathy) I try to conjure this up within myself. But just now, and for the past few days, when I substituted the word Father for Jesus, feelings of love welled up within me. what is that all about.
Rabbit trail 3: I hate feeling like I am reading into things that are not there, that are based upon my flights of fancy or will-o-the-wisps of emotion. It makes me really cynical. Help me to know when you are moving and when I am making things up. Help me to fully believe that you do move and reveal yourself in the little things.
I am so glad we had this chat. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope I don't get so caught up in my words that I don't hear Yours. Please break through.
with love <3
Thursday, February 14, 2008
repent - the end is near
Four long years... how could they have flown by so fast? And now I struggle to put into a box what this multitude of experiences has meant. I struggle to see what Your plan for me has been throughout it all. I know You are there, You have always been there, but have I recognized this enough times for these past four years (heck, these past 21 1/2 years) to have made a difference. I guess I wanted to apologize to You for not clinging to You more fastly throughout it all -- throughout all the great and mediocre moments. Only from time to time do I realize how much of You I have missed out on. How utterly sad! I miss You... whom I have never fully known. At times such as these I wonder if I will ever know you enough, love you enough, yearn for you enough, to be able to say with confidence that I love you. I guess that is what is so wonderful about grace... the truth being that I will never reach "enough", but You, Father, have exceeded it abundantly. But I see that I have strayed a bit from the original intent of these ramblings. Father, tonight I am ashamed of how I live. I am scared that I have wasted so much time. This door is closing, and I feel as if I have nothing to account for all this time. Has anything of any significance been accomplished? Has anything changed? As much as I am screaming to get out of the this place, some part of my is absolutely dreading the thought. I am not one who has ever been a supporter of change. And here I am on the threshold of the biggest change I have yet endured. I need Your help.
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, thatwe may sing for joy and
be glad all our days. Make us glad for as manydays as you have afflicted us, for
as many years as we have seen trouble.May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the workof our hands for us -- yes, establish the work of ourhands.
Psalm 90:14-17
Monday, September 3, 2007
the grace of peace
It has been nine months since the fire. I can still smell the smoke. I can still feel the hot air rushing into my mouth and streaming through my nostrils. Still I can feel it filling up my lungs. I can still feel the icy water, the water that had moments before been trampled snow, slowly saturate the socks that covered my feet. I can still feel the lump of panic rising in my throat. I can still feel the sting of unbidden, unwanted tears. And there is that Peace; that inexplicable, beautiful Peace that was, and is, my constant companion.
It was three in the morning. I was at home and about a week into my Christmas break. I woke up from a deep sleep to a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. Quickly I slipped from beneath thick layers of blankets and lightly set my warm feet on the wood floor of my bedroom. As I walked the short length of my room I heard crackling and seemed to see the soft glow of a fire. My first assumption, with my mind still drunk with sleep, was that it was Christmas Eve, and my parents, as is their tradition, were diligently wrapping our presents by firelight. However, I soon came to my senses as I realized that there were at least two weeks left until Christmas. As I stepped out of the open door of my room I was greeted by a horrifying sight. I watched as bright orange flames licked up the great room wall behind our sofa. I was paralyzed for a moment, stunned by the sharp slap of reality. “Do something, Danielle!” I commanded myself. Though I felt like a mute; I managed to convince my lungs and vocal chords to do their job. I screamed for my dad. I yelled out his name three times. “Thank you, Jesus!” I thought as I heard the distinct sound of my dad’s heavy footsteps running from his bedroom and across the kitchen floor. Somehow the hurried clamber jump-started my body and mind into action. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a large mixing bowl from a bottom cupboard. Sprinting back into the great room I flung open the back door and dug the bowl into the deep pile of freshly fallen snow. I had never before been so grateful to be living in Michigan, the land of the frozen tundra. My dad immediately followed suit. Sometime during the commotion my mom called the fire department and hurried my younger siblings out of the house and into the front yard. The smoke was growing thick and black; the fire bright and angry. The clashing effect of dark and queerish light was ghastly. There was no fighting the rage of the fire. Each douse of snow seemed only to entice the fire to new heights of fury, but we couldn’t stop. My dad and I could not admit defeat. We fought. I could hear the frantic pleas of my mom and sisters to get out of the house; that the firemen would be there soon enough. I couldn’t. I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. I couldn’t just stand by and watch the hungry flames destroy my home. I gasped in the fresh air one more time and headed back into the black with another bowl of snow; one more feeble attempt.
It seemed an eternity had passed before the firemen and police arrived. They brought out their hoses and finally quenched the consuming flames with powerful streams of water. Standing in the driveway, my feet wet and cold, I wrapped my arms around my chest and silently screamed out to Jesus. “Why?!” He listened to me rage for a moment. He allowed me to beat my fists against His chest. Then He wrapped His thick, powerful arms around my shaking, frail body. He held me close and whispered gently, sweetly in my ear, “I am here. I love you. I know what I am doing. Remember, Danielle, you promised Me that whatever I asked of you, you would give willingly, even if it was your very life.” I remembered, and I was comforted.
Since the fire my life has, from a human perspective, been in various stages of turmoil and unrest. I pray for a taste of stability everyday. However, Jesus, the giver of peace that passes all understanding, reminds me that in Him I find all the stability I will ever need. He is my peace amidst the storm, or in this case, the fire.
It was three in the morning. I was at home and about a week into my Christmas break. I woke up from a deep sleep to a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. Quickly I slipped from beneath thick layers of blankets and lightly set my warm feet on the wood floor of my bedroom. As I walked the short length of my room I heard crackling and seemed to see the soft glow of a fire. My first assumption, with my mind still drunk with sleep, was that it was Christmas Eve, and my parents, as is their tradition, were diligently wrapping our presents by firelight. However, I soon came to my senses as I realized that there were at least two weeks left until Christmas. As I stepped out of the open door of my room I was greeted by a horrifying sight. I watched as bright orange flames licked up the great room wall behind our sofa. I was paralyzed for a moment, stunned by the sharp slap of reality. “Do something, Danielle!” I commanded myself. Though I felt like a mute; I managed to convince my lungs and vocal chords to do their job. I screamed for my dad. I yelled out his name three times. “Thank you, Jesus!” I thought as I heard the distinct sound of my dad’s heavy footsteps running from his bedroom and across the kitchen floor. Somehow the hurried clamber jump-started my body and mind into action. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a large mixing bowl from a bottom cupboard. Sprinting back into the great room I flung open the back door and dug the bowl into the deep pile of freshly fallen snow. I had never before been so grateful to be living in Michigan, the land of the frozen tundra. My dad immediately followed suit. Sometime during the commotion my mom called the fire department and hurried my younger siblings out of the house and into the front yard. The smoke was growing thick and black; the fire bright and angry. The clashing effect of dark and queerish light was ghastly. There was no fighting the rage of the fire. Each douse of snow seemed only to entice the fire to new heights of fury, but we couldn’t stop. My dad and I could not admit defeat. We fought. I could hear the frantic pleas of my mom and sisters to get out of the house; that the firemen would be there soon enough. I couldn’t. I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. I couldn’t just stand by and watch the hungry flames destroy my home. I gasped in the fresh air one more time and headed back into the black with another bowl of snow; one more feeble attempt.
It seemed an eternity had passed before the firemen and police arrived. They brought out their hoses and finally quenched the consuming flames with powerful streams of water. Standing in the driveway, my feet wet and cold, I wrapped my arms around my chest and silently screamed out to Jesus. “Why?!” He listened to me rage for a moment. He allowed me to beat my fists against His chest. Then He wrapped His thick, powerful arms around my shaking, frail body. He held me close and whispered gently, sweetly in my ear, “I am here. I love you. I know what I am doing. Remember, Danielle, you promised Me that whatever I asked of you, you would give willingly, even if it was your very life.” I remembered, and I was comforted.
Since the fire my life has, from a human perspective, been in various stages of turmoil and unrest. I pray for a taste of stability everyday. However, Jesus, the giver of peace that passes all understanding, reminds me that in Him I find all the stability I will ever need. He is my peace amidst the storm, or in this case, the fire.
Friday, August 31, 2007
the theory of trust
it is amazing to me how often we lose hope when we begin to dwell on our inabilities and possible failures. but God is sovereign and good. He is not a capricious God who delights in throwing us into the whirlwind. He is a God who has loving and extravagantly planned for each moment in our lives for his glory and our good. It is so easy to be afraid, but God is not asking us to trust in him because he wants us to prove something to him. He is asking us to trust him because He wants to prove something to us. He wants to prove that He is an awesome and mighty God! He wants to prove to you that he loves you with an extreme and unceasing love! He wants to prove to you that you really can do all things through him because he gives you strength! "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Josh. 1:9)
"O LORD, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress, to you the nations will come from the ends of the earth and say, 'Our fathers possessed nothing but false gods, worthless idols that did them no good. Do men make their own gods? Yes, but they are not gods!' 'Therefore I will teach them- this time I will teach them my power and might. Then they will know that my name is the LORD.'" (Jer. 16:19-21)
"O LORD, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress, to you the nations will come from the ends of the earth and say, 'Our fathers possessed nothing but false gods, worthless idols that did them no good. Do men make their own gods? Yes, but they are not gods!' 'Therefore I will teach them- this time I will teach them my power and might. Then they will know that my name is the LORD.'" (Jer. 16:19-21)
the battle
God: "I am not in any trouble, He chided, that I need someone to beg for Me or help Me out. I made no promises that I will not keep. It is not the largeness of the work that matters, but only doing what I command. All I ask of you is that you be a servant."
K.P. Yohannan: "The words echoed in my mind. This is his work, I told myself. Why am I making it mine? The burden is light. Why am I making it heavy? The work is a privilege. Why am I making it a chore?"
the battle is the Lords... we are not saved by chariots, horses, the size of our army, our how much we stress ourselves out over a matter. the battle is still His and he is mighty to save. Our burden is light because we are the servants, he carries the load. But we are blessed because we are no longer called servants but sons!
K.P. Yohannan: "The words echoed in my mind. This is his work, I told myself. Why am I making it mine? The burden is light. Why am I making it heavy? The work is a privilege. Why am I making it a chore?"
the battle is the Lords... we are not saved by chariots, horses, the size of our army, our how much we stress ourselves out over a matter. the battle is still His and he is mighty to save. Our burden is light because we are the servants, he carries the load. But we are blessed because we are no longer called servants but sons!
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