just gonna put it out there...

I know I have said "I am far more safe being completely vulnerable in your arms than completely impenetrable standing alone" but I am currently in the state of realizing that I still make myself completely impenetrable. I have this little charade I put on in my head for you and I don't even realize I am doing it. .. that I am readjusting my words to try and convince you that I am a better person than I really am. I pretty much suck. And I am pretty much so scared that if I am truly myself around you that i will see disappointment in your eyes. I want to be an open book... completely humble and honest with myself and with You. Why am I so scared in the face of unconditional love? Help me... I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know how to rip down these walls of dillusion that I am forever adding on to. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to override the fight or flight response. I don't know how to say I am not ok when I feel like am ok. and i don't know how to say I am ok when I feel like I am not.... if that makes any freaking sense... seriously :)

"i'm falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating, with every pain there's a healing, in Your Name I find meaning... i'm holding on, still holding on, i'm holding on, barely holding on to you..."

but i am not really... i am so grateful that you never let go because I constantly am... so sorry

take me away...

breathe... just breathe

"Cause you can't jump the track... we're like cars on a cable... and life's like an hourglass glued to the table... no one can find the rewind button so cradle your head in your hands...

and breathe... just breathe... oh breathe, just breathe!"

This is the end of the year father... the end of four years and here i am facing the future. oh the beautiful and terrifying future... What have you in store for me now... and can i let myself trust im you? can i cling to you with everything i am? father i know you are here when i call. i know that smoke billows from your nostrils and that you wrap the darkness around you like a cloak. i know that you expose the floor of the seas and walk upon the waters. i know that you build up the mountains on top of each other and are capable of tearing them off of their bases, thrusting them into the sea. i know you are awesome and mighty. i know you heal... leprosy and blindness and deafness, deformities and hardened, calloused hearts.

so i have immersed myself in this television show. this show exposes people in the most messed up situations this life has created. i love this show because it is funny and crazy and dramatic. but i think ... and please correct me if i am overstepping here... i love this show because these people's lives are not perfect by any means... they are crazy messed up... seriously... yet they pick up and move on... they crack jokes and lean on one another. they do their best to patch up the lives that they have completely botched up... Glory be to God that i don't have to patch up the life i have completely botched up... glory to God that his grace... oh his beautiful grace is patching me up. his glorious grace is making me all whole... all bright and shiny...

"Come what may... I won't fade away... but I know I might change... nothing comes easily... fill this empty space... nothing is like it was... turn my grief to grace... nothing comes easily... Where do I begin? [Alone you] can bring me peace... I've lost everything... I just want to feel your embrace"

oh the possibilities

I have never experienced the impatience to "just go" that I have always heard talked about, but all of a sudden I am beginning to understand. Father, hearing Ron speak about all of the problems in Czech, and all of the opportunities for service. It makes me want to jump in his suitcase when he returns home next week. But it is not as if I think Czech is where you are next directing me, for last week when I was talking to Misty I almost scrapped by entire student teaching application to go student teach with her in Taiwan. Before that China was weighing heavy on my mind after talks with David about the trip we went on together. Before that I had my heart set on going to Kenya with Linds, before that Morocco, Indonesia, India, Korea. This desire for adventure and service is welling up strongly within me. To be honest, I think it is more the thrill of the experience and the people with whom I could be that appeals to me. But still Father I desire to do your will. I desire to see captives set free. I desire to pour my all into serving you. I desire a release from the mediocre and mundane. I desire to know You and to be You. I desire the desire to give everything for You and the furtherance of Your kingdom. I desite to be madly in love You, so much so that people around me notice.

Rabbit trail: I have just realized that the key to being madly in love, or at least a big part of it, is being fully aware that the object of your love is madly in love with you. And, even better, was in this state of affection before you were. Of course this is an obvious statement. You recorded it first saying that we love because you first (madly) loved us. hmmm... So I guess I should ask not that my love for you would grow exponentially, but first taht I would be fully aware and confident that you passionately deeply LOVE ME. Please help me to see this. Show me your wonders Jesus, the loving works of Your hands.

Rabbit trail 2: Saying the name father rarely evokes any emotion within me-- this is weird. Most of the time (when I realize this apathy) I try to conjure this up within myself. But just now, and for the past few days, when I substituted the word Father for Jesus, feelings of love welled up within me. what is that all about.

Rabbit trail 3: I hate feeling like I am reading into things that are not there, that are based upon my flights of fancy or will-o-the-wisps of emotion. It makes me really cynical. Help me to know when you are moving and when I am making things up. Help me to fully believe that you do move and reveal yourself in the little things.

I am so glad we had this chat. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope I don't get so caught up in my words that I don't hear Yours. Please break through.

with love <3

repent - the end is near

Four long years... how could they have flown by so fast? And now I struggle to put into a box what this multitude of experiences has meant. I struggle to see what Your plan for me has been throughout it all. I know You are there, You have always been there, but have I recognized this enough times for these past four years (heck, these past 21 1/2 years) to have made a difference. I guess I wanted to apologize to You for not clinging to You more fastly throughout it all -- throughout all the great and mediocre moments. Only from time to time do I realize how much of You I have missed out on. How utterly sad! I miss You... whom I have never fully known. At times such as these I wonder if I will ever know you enough, love you enough, yearn for you enough, to be able to say with confidence that I love you. I guess that is what is so wonderful about grace... the truth being that I will never reach "enough", but You, Father, have exceeded it abundantly. But I see that I have strayed a bit from the original intent of these ramblings. Father, tonight I am ashamed of how I live. I am scared that I have wasted so much time. This door is closing, and I feel as if I have nothing to account for all this time. Has anything of any significance been accomplished? Has anything changed? As much as I am screaming to get out of the this place, some part of my is absolutely dreading the thought. I am not one who has ever been a supporter of change. And here I am on the threshold of the biggest change I have yet endured. I need Your help.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, thatwe may sing for joy and
be glad all our days. Make us glad for as manydays as you have afflicted us, for
as many years as we have seen trouble.May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the workof our hands for us -- yes, establish the work of ourhands.
Psalm 90:14-17