I know I have said "I am far more safe being completely vulnerable in your arms than completely impenetrable standing alone" but I am currently in the state of realizing that I still make myself completely impenetrable. I have this little charade I put on in my head for you and I don't even realize I am doing it. .. that I am readjusting my words to try and convince you that I am a better person than I really am. I pretty much suck. And I am pretty much so scared that if I am truly myself around you that i will see disappointment in your eyes. I want to be an open book... completely humble and honest with myself and with You. Why am I so scared in the face of unconditional love? Help me... I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know how to rip down these walls of dillusion that I am forever adding on to. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to override the fight or flight response. I don't know how to say I am not ok when I feel like am ok. and i don't know how to say I am ok when I feel like I am not.... if that makes any freaking sense... seriously :)
"i'm falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating, with every pain there's a healing, in Your Name I find meaning... i'm holding on, still holding on, i'm holding on, barely holding on to you..."
but i am not really... i am so grateful that you never let go because I constantly am... so sorry
take me away...
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