repent - the end is near

Four long years... how could they have flown by so fast? And now I struggle to put into a box what this multitude of experiences has meant. I struggle to see what Your plan for me has been throughout it all. I know You are there, You have always been there, but have I recognized this enough times for these past four years (heck, these past 21 1/2 years) to have made a difference. I guess I wanted to apologize to You for not clinging to You more fastly throughout it all -- throughout all the great and mediocre moments. Only from time to time do I realize how much of You I have missed out on. How utterly sad! I miss You... whom I have never fully known. At times such as these I wonder if I will ever know you enough, love you enough, yearn for you enough, to be able to say with confidence that I love you. I guess that is what is so wonderful about grace... the truth being that I will never reach "enough", but You, Father, have exceeded it abundantly. But I see that I have strayed a bit from the original intent of these ramblings. Father, tonight I am ashamed of how I live. I am scared that I have wasted so much time. This door is closing, and I feel as if I have nothing to account for all this time. Has anything of any significance been accomplished? Has anything changed? As much as I am screaming to get out of the this place, some part of my is absolutely dreading the thought. I am not one who has ever been a supporter of change. And here I am on the threshold of the biggest change I have yet endured. I need Your help.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, thatwe may sing for joy and
be glad all our days. Make us glad for as manydays as you have afflicted us, for
as many years as we have seen trouble.May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the workof our hands for us -- yes, establish the work of ourhands.
Psalm 90:14-17